Losing time
by Dune
Summary: A Time Lord losing time. Ironic universe we live in.
1. Oncoming storm

_Ok, this is another fic that didn't go away and demanded to get out of my head. I'm aware that it may be kind of plotless and may not make much sense, but it had to be written nevertheless. Might turnthis intoa longer thing if you find it interesting enough.Hope you enjoy for now!_

Disclaimer: Nothing of the stuff I write about is mine. BBC owns it all.

Spoilers: Jack... and if you look close enough one line from PoTW

----------------------------

_I shouldn't be here._

"Doctor!"

_I should be dead like the others_.

I need a second to recognize her voice. I need another second to find myself lying on my back, realizing that rain is hitting my face. I fell? Never fell before. Stumbled, yes, but falling? That's new.

_It's getting worse._

When did it start raining like this? The night sky was clear before, wasn't it? An oncoming storm hit us? How fitting.

I feel her kneel down beside me. There's another figure at her side now, must be Jack. Searching me for wounds, good little soldier he is.

_They left me._

"Are you alright?" I can see their faces clearly, just for a few moments when lightning hurries through the sky.

_Faces frozen in time. _

Oh my, so it happened again. They didn't notice it before, but I surely can't hide it this time. Must be as pale as a ghost. Must have been out of it for nearly 20 minutes this time.

_The lights are on but there's nobody home._

Walking, talking even smiling, you don't need to be there to make your body do it. You find yourself in places and don't remember how you got there.

_A Time Lord losing time. Ironic universe we live in._

A bit like sleepwalking, but not as harmless for my sanity.

_You've been losing yourself again, yes?_

Strong hands pull me up while the pair of more gentle ones cup my face and make sure I'm still awake. I get that they're trying to get me back to the TARDIS. I help as much as I can, but all my strength is gone.

_All of it gone. _

I remember her. A girl that never existed. She would have smiled at this thought like she did when she died in my arms.

_Another moment frozen in time. _

She touches my chest, reaching out for my mind, saying good-bye. I hold her until she's gone. The last of the Time Lords now; holding a dissolving body, realizing he'll be alone for all eternity now. The last link cut.

_I died then. Why didn't I stay dead? _

They never existed. A gaping black hole left in the place where the others should be. Sucking you in when you're not watching.

_They left me. All of them. _

I can't even recall her face. Just this moment, burned too deeply into your consciousness to ever be lost.

_Everything lost._

Water stops dripping down my face and as I look up I realize we are in the console room. The strong arms holding me up let me slump down on the ground.

_They can never understand what it feels like to be left alone like this._

"Some kind of seizure."

_Phantom pain would be more fitting Captain._

Neurons trying to connect to a place that's no longer there. And my brain can't take the abyss that was ripped into it. That's all. No deadly parasite to tackle, no open wound you can just stitch together again, nothing you can easily fix.

It's just my mind. A mind reaching out and tumbling into nothingness, losing itself in the last moment it wasn't alone in the universe.

_Time heals all wounds... but what if time is the wound?_

They look at me and I can see they're waiting for answers. Her hand is touching my cheek, her eyes are full of concern. I'm tired and the edges of my vision are blurring. Sleep is crawling up my neck. I manage a smile.

"Thanks."

Is that my voice? Sounds so weak.

They frown, not understanding. It'll take a long talk in the morning. Make them understand. They have to.

_You love them. You know that, right? _

I can't keep my eyes open much longer, but I mumble the most important thing before I doze off.

"For not leaving me."


	2. Aftershock

_Ok, first of all: thank you for all your fantastic reviews, I feel very flattered. I decided to continue this fic because it just doesn't leave me alone... I'm still very unsure about all this so I would be very grateful for your thoughts andcomments. A big thank you to you, glindapenguin, for betaingand convincing me to post this._

_I hope it's worth reading!_

_

* * *

_

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

___this pain is just too real _

___there's just too much __that time cannot erase_

_- Evanescence_

As so many things did nowadays it had started with the war.

He could barely remember what he had done after he found himself still alive. Alone. He knew that somehow he had given a badly burned TARDIS the best repairs he could do, but it was very dreamlike. A snapshot of his hands smeared with oil here, a memory of himself staring at equations there. Some days he couldn't even tell if he did it or if his ship fixed itself.

But it didn't matter, nothing did back then. Freud would have told him _"Clearly you were in Schock, mein Freund,"_ and for a long time he clung to that explanation. Finding yourself on a planet you didn't remember going to? Shock. Couldn't explain where you got that leather jacket? Shock.

But he soon discovered that it wasn't shock, but silence. When he listened he found nothing but a sea of black stillness inside himself, where a telepathic link used to connect all Time Lords. What had been white noise in the back of his mind, constantly reminding him that he could never fully outrun them was gone now.

He had pushed it away with noise, flung himself into the task of rearranging some timelines, then into adventures, trying to impress a 21st century shop girl and lately a renegade Time Agent. He had desperately hoped that companions would make it better. They did, and for a while he thought he was over it.

The constant feeling that he had forgotten something started in 1941 when Jamie, a poor little empty child's emotions, scratched at the wound again. Things he thought dead resurfaced, the void in his mind was gnawing at his sanity again.

Afterwards he had caught himself glancing over his shoulder, half expecting to see, to _feel_ someone he knew there. Heard someone talking, only to find the room empty. There wasn't anybody left. Just shadows of what should be.

He had gotten up early again. If you couldn't stand the nightmares there was a simple solution for a Time Lord – don't sleep. He was glad that that didn't apply to humans and so he was spared an embarrassing moment when he woke up half naked in his bed and had no idea how he had gotten there; Jack and Rose sleeping on two chairs next to him, a still wet jumper carelessly dropped on the floor. He wondered briefly how any creature in the universe could actually shut off its higher brain functions to sleep in a twisted position like the Time Agent showed, then he sneaked out of the room. Explaining suddenly didn't seem like a good idea anymore in the light of the new day.

"_You see, I'm losing my mind because I'm alone. No, you two don't count. No, you can't help. Ta."_ Sure.

His brain played tricks on him again when he assessed his worn out face in a mirror. For just a millisecond he could have sworn he saw Susan standing behind him. He frowned. A millisecond was a very long time for any Gallifreyan. He shook it off, splashed some water into his face, got into a fresh jumper and headed for the console room. Work kept his mind from thinking too much about it.

It was getting worse every day.

His companions didn't notice how desperate his brain searched for connections of course. They were only humans, they couldn't hear it. He was hugging them, taking their hands to run off into new adventures, just to remind himself that they were the most real part of himself. Anchors to reality. But a vital part was missing, his mind was slowly crumbling down like a house of cards.

He started seeing things lately.

Things were melting into each other, memories of past companions, friends, alternate timelines, the future, all blending into the present. Then his mind returned to the one moment it couldn't forget, when the last voice of his people died, leaving him behind. And the resulting blackouts were lasting longer now.

Rose and Jack hadn't noticed before because he was a master of disguise with 900 years of practice. But there would be serious questions when those two woke up with aching backs.

_You can't let them leave. They need you, you need them. But how do y--_

"We need to talk Doctor."

Curious thing about Jack was that you never quite noticed him enter a room if he didn't want you to, always trying to take you by surprise. But the Time Lord, half hidden in a mess of cables and strange crystals under the main console had expected him. So the answer was a well rehearsed, annoyed sigh.

"About what?"

"Last night..."

"Must have been the food."

The answer came out just a moment too quickly and the Doctor cursed silently what an impact a single second could have. Jack raised an eyebrow and continued.

"It wasn't the food. I scanned you."

A torrent of strange untranslated curses was the not so rehearsed answer this time, as the Time Lord hit the wrong fuse and sparks rained down upon him. Slowly he got out of the cables, stood up to face the Captain.

"Found anything... interesting?" he was still smiling.

"What, you mean except for the two hearts? Sure. Something that shouldn't be in a healthy brain, for example..."

Jack pressed some buttons on his wristcomp and produced a blue hologram of a brain the Doctor immediately identified as his own.

"... a black spot. A brain area that shows no activity at all."

His patient smile made Jack obviously nervous, he had clearly expected a different reaction. Only the darkening in his blue eyes showed that the alien in front of him cared at all. And was in fact deeply disturbed how easily the human had discovered his secret.

"And how do you know that's not perfectly normal for my race?"

The words snaked out through the clenched teeth of a mouth that desperately tried to keep grinning.

"You fainted! Is that normal for your race, too?"

"Won't happen again."

"Doctor, as much as I liked to undress you, I wished it had been under other circumstances."

On any other day it would make the Time Lord genuinely smile that Jack tried to get answers out of him by flirting.

"It's nothing, as I said, the food. I'm not human, must've had an allergic reaction to something."

"Doctor, I don't—"

"It. Was. Nothing."

The silence between them seemed as deafening as the one in his head. There was nothing more to say. Jack just shrugged, defeated.

"I'm sorry, I'm... we're just worried about you."

"You don't have to. Now let me finish this or we'll be stuck in temporal orbit a lot longer than I'd like to."

He knew that Jack wouldn't be the last visit today. Rose would turn up soon. Jack must have let her sleep a little longer.

A black spot.What a fitting description.

He wondered briefly if regenerating might cure him, but going that far just yet seemed wrong. If it killed him in the end he would find out if it scarred over in the process, or if he stayed dead. Problem solved either way. Realizing what strange thoughts were running through his head, he returned to his work under the console.

Bending down, he heard music dancing and drifting through the air, just above his level of perception. Puccini, definetly Puccini. He hadn't heard any of it since... what had he called it?

_Time storm. _

Madam Butterfly made his hearts clench lately, wherever it was coming from, he had to switch it off. Fast. He got up, but instead of the console room he found himself staring at the reason he didn't sleep anymore.

Fire, followed by darkness. A world burning away, leaving only blackness behind. Rassilon's power finally free again at the end of his race. Except for him, falling through space and time like a leaf in an autumn wind. He felt that tingling of his skin again, how it turned into twitching, how that turned into burning. He remembered dying then, hoping for eternal darkness, too.

_This is what Omega must have felt like. Everything lost. Blinding white agony---_

"... and it's not like you couldn't trust us."

He blinked.

The searing pain disappeared, the world resolved into more colours than red and black, green returned. Rose in front of him.

_Rose?_

He suddenly understood that she must have lectured him for quite some time now, absently fiddling with a blonde strand of her hair.

_Not again._

"I mean we sav-- Is everything all right Doctor?" There was so much concern in her eyes he understood immediately that he must look like he did the night before. His knees certainly felt weak, so he leant as casually as he could against a wall and tried to hide it.

He gave Rose one of his smiles and prayed she would buy it. He hadn't enough strength for another argument or even another smile.

"I just can't listen to you little apes ranting all day long without having a clue what's going on. I told Jack already, must have been the food. I'm fine, ok?"

He turned to leave, but she was not letting him go that easily. Her hand on his arm felt strangely heavy.

"Who is Susan? You called me Susan before."

He didn't know if he imagined that sentence, but he knew that he fell when unconsciousness pulled him in once more.


	3. Dreams

_Thank you so much for leaving such nice reviews for this story, I'm really enjoying all this writing knowing there are people out there who like it :-) Special thanks to glindapenguin, moviegrrl and jennetj __for betaing_

_

* * *

_

_How can you see into my eyes like open doors?  
Leading you down into my core,  
where I've become so numb_

_- Evanescence_

_--------_

Rose found herself in her room, her pink pillows littered on the ground, eyeless pictures staring at her from the walls.

She knew something was wrong when she took a moment to consider the crimson light that seemed to ooze through the closed curtains, creating circles and sparks on the floor. It was hot... too hot. Like fever, hot clouds of air brushing every inch of her skin, keeping the warmth inside of her.

Having the nagging feeling in the back of her head that she had forgotten something, she opened her door, heading for the kitchen. She knew she needed to go to work soon, looking for someone she was not supposed to find. How come she had to think of plastic now?

Outside the light painted the entire flat in deep red, almost blinding her.

The room was empty, her mum nowhere to be seen, the telephone hanging limply over the sofa. It was too quiet, her thoughts so slow it felt like moving through tar.

Something was wrong.

The sound of the dialling tone followed her when she opened the kitchen door, finally finding her mum, having her back turned on her.

Something was very wrong.

She could clearly taste it, the smell of ash mixing with a flavour that reminded her of the air when lightning had hit a tree just outside the estate.

She took a step forward, calling to her mother, but the figure didn't move. She looked around and realized that not even the light seemed to move, nothing cast a shadow around her.

Like a moment frozen in time.

Even the dust particles shining like little burning stars seemed to be suspended in mid air, not moving. She looked close, but everything stood still. The nagging feeling got worse, fear started to grip her heart, turning her cold inside, although her skin felt like it was burning up.

She moved as slowly as her thoughts felt, spreading an arm, after an eternity reaching her mother's shoulder to turn her around.

A scream echoed through her brain. Who was screaming? She was alone in here.

She realized she herself was screaming, screaming and falling into darkness at the sight of her mother's dead face.

She woke with a start, heart hammering against her chest, breathing like she had just ran for miles. Her skin itching, hot to the touch although there was no sweat. She looked around and found herself on the same chair she spent the night on before, in his room again.

Just a dream.

For a second she thought she was falling again, then she was fully awake, gripping the chair just in case, looking into the eyes of the Time Lord lying on the bed in front of her. For some reason she knew that he had woken up just when she had.

"I'm sorry." His voice was weak again, hoarse as if he had been screaming too, trying hard to hide a sob behind his words.

"What for?"

"For that dream of yours. Heard you scream." He gestured at his head. "Time Lord thing, empathic, me."

"So you get inside my head while I'm dreaming?" she was still shaken, but she hadn't intended to sound that angry.

"It's not like that. Happens when I sleep, when I let go. A kind of wave."

He prodded himself up onto his elbows, looking around, by his frown directed at his body clearly only realizing just now that he actually lay under a duvet. He swung his legs over, sitting on the edge of the bed. Only the little wrinkles surrounding his eyes showed how tired he still was.

His look was shy, evading her startled gaze. She suddenly understood what made her see something horrible like that.

"What did you dream about?" His question pulled her out before she could fully understand.

"My mum... I think she was dead." she cleared he throat. "Very scary dream." She tried to smile, but the nightmare was still too fresh.

His voice was just a whisper, but his eyes met hers.

"I'm sorry. That's why I usually don't sleep."

She expected an awful quiet between the two of them now, as they both clearly didn't know how to continue, when Jack stepped in. He looked tired too, but when he saw the Time Lord was awake a glad smile covered up the traces of his sleep deprivation.

"Here you are again. Do me a favour, collapse onto me next time, will be much more fun for everyone." He contemplated about it before he added "Well, especially for me." He strolled in and patted Rose's head.  
"Rosie here nearly got crushed."

"Won't happen again."

Jack's smile dissolved into concern again, she had seen nothing but that on him since she had cried out to him for help. Again.

"Doc, if I remember correctly you said that before."

The Time Lord tried to get up from the bed now, but Jack held him down, grasping his shoulder, pushing it down.

"I think we need some answers first." His grin had faded, Rose was reminded what Jack had done for a living before entering the con buisness.

"This is just a moment in time." his voice was low, but not faint like before, the hairs at her neck tickled her primordial senses for danger.

Jack held his gaze for a few seconds, then the Time Agent's jaw dropped and he let go of the shoulder like he'd burned himself. He panted.

The Doctor's voice sounded like a growl. "Don't touch me."

It got colder, darker, as if the TARDIS responded to the scene playing out inside of her. The Time Lord got up, making Jack step back, still flabbergasted.

"A moment I created. Did you know you wouldn't even exist without me? Time Agency. Like giving a monkey a loaded gun."

"Doctor, what's wrong?" He turned to Rose now, ignoring her scared look.

"You don't even remember, do you? The Reapers? The death you caused? Just because you thought it was a clever idea to meddle with destiny to save your father."

"I nev---" but he didn't let her defend herself. For the first time he was truly alien to her.

"Linear beings, never knowing anything. Forgetting, reliving, like nothing ever happened when the greatest storm washed over them."

Rose was shaking, the man in front of her was nothing like he used to be. Even his movements when he neared her seemed somewhat different. Smoother, like a tiger slowly cornering its prey.

Time seemed to slow around her as he suddenly moved forward, grabbed her throat and pushed her against the wall. It happened so fast that Jack hadn't even started toreact until Rose let out a shout of surprise.

Her surprise drifted away quickly, panic started to flow through her body, cold fearfilling her being. She desperately tried to get his hand away from her, but he held her with a tight grip. His eyes weren't blue anymore but deep black, long cold fingers were slowly squeezing even tighter. He brushed off Jack's attempt to help with an effortless movement of his arm, which sent the agent flying to the ground. It seemed to take ages for him to fall, his movement in slow motion.

Time seemed to stop, Rose and the alien pinning her to the wallthe only ones moving. Little red spots were starting to blur her vision, she couldn't breathe, the panic making her body tingle with even more fear.

He eyed her closely, as if fascinated by her struggle. He leaned close to her face, took a deep breath, looking at her, _smelling_ her. A vicious smile ran over the edges of his mouth.

"A Reaper. That's what I am. You shouldn't be here. I have to fix this, here and now."

His eyes scared her even more than his grip, resonating with coldness and something else lurking in there. Something vicious, something she had seen before, deep down in Van Statten's base. He had pointed a gun at her then.

"You got no idea little ape, what I've seen, what I've done."

"Doctor, please-" was all she managed to say with a voice already hoarse and faint, using the little air she had left. Her world turned grey.

And suddenly his grip loosened, his face showed emotions again. Confusion at first, then realization as his eyes swept over his hand and finally her. Fear as he let her go and time seemed to speed up around them again. Colours returned. She didn't notice Jack finally hitting the floor, she was too busy gasping and coughing for air.

He was just standing there frozen, looking at his two companions. He couldn't muster the strength to look them in the eye.

"Good grace, I'm so sorry!" he offered Jack a hand and pulled him up onto his feet. Then he turned to Rose.

"Are you alright?"

She rubbed her throat and smeared away some tears "Yeah...think... so." her breathing sounded still ragged, her voice hitched.

"I'm so sorry." He took a step towards her, but she was recoiling instinctively. His face showed the hurt that caused, but then it changed into determination.

"Jack?" The Time Agent never turned his back on the Time Lord when he approached Rose and scanned her with his wristcomp. She saw that that made his hurt grow visible once more.

"She's alright, no permanent damage."

"Good. Take her to the med bay."

Without acknowledging them any further he stepped around them and left the room. They followed him after some moments of confusion, found him in the console room, just as he sent the time rotor moving. Seeing the questioning looks on their faces he took a careful step towards them, visibly struggling to keep his distance.

"Doctor?"

Rose wasn't interested in their destination, what concerned her were the slow movements that were so untypical for the Time Lord, who seemed to be bouncing and jumping whenever he could. Seeing him this motionless was even worse than seeing him unconscious.

"What was that?"

She imagined to hear him mumble something, but it was clearly not intended for them, but for the button on the console.

"This is too dangerous. You're not safe-- I'm not safe."

The time rotor stopped, the ship gave its usual shudder as it landed. He checked one of the monitors, then looking her into the eye he sternly added

"I'm taking you home. For good."


	4. Losing time

_Ok, ok, I know this took ages... Just couldn't get myself to write this__part although I hate to leave things unfinished. I hope I'll be quicker next time, I plan to get this done before the new season starts. I kind of hate this story by now because I discovered how small my vocabulary really is and I'm somewhat intimidated to continue because I feel like a child playing while the grown-ups do the real art. Can't get rid of me though, as I said: Unfinished buisness is bad. Beware, longest part I ever wrote._

_Well, so thanks again to my lovely beta glindapenguin, she had to suffer a lot of typos this time :)_

_

* * *

____No one's here and I fall into myself  
This truth drives me i__nto madness_

- Evanescence

-----

"It was weird, time seemed to stop. Like in 'The Matrix'."

"Huh?"

"You know, that movie." When she spotted that Jack was still lost she sighed.

Jack was clearly not the right person to take care of her bruises, instead of helping her he had made a mess out of the med bay.

Ploughing through drawers and cabinets, taking and sometimes throwing more or less useful things at her he shot her a curious glance now. He clearly had no idea what she was talking about. Grasping the concept that he was in fact from the 51st century was sometimes difficult, even if she lived in a box that was bigger on the inside than on the outside.

"We should definetly improve your 21st century pop culture."

Sitting on the metal examining table Rose's lap was already covered with bandages, pills of various colours and sizes and some other, clearly alien stuff. Something that looked very much like a small pink pineapple tried to crawl out of her hand while she poked it to figure out what it was meant for. Suddenly a thought struck her.

"Why did you let go of his shoulder like it was a hot plate?"

Jack turned to look up, still pulling out more things from a cabinet under a sink.

"You remember what I told you about my two missing years?"

He produced a silver object which reminded Rose of an expensive pen. His gaze was fixed on the thing, but his mind was clearly somewhere else entirely.

"My dreams about that are not very enjoyable."

Fiddling with the pen-thing he came to stand in front of her again. Only something dark deep down in his eyes betrayed that he was not as indifferent as his matter of fact tone would suggest. He held the object to her neck, targeting one of the bruises.

"Back there... lets just say it wasn't pleasant to see nightmares when you're awake."

He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

She nodded, much to Jack's annoyance, who tried to keep track of the dark red spots while she was speaking.

"He said something like that when I fell asleep before. Said it had to do with him being empathic. Says it happens when he lets go."

The pen-thing was clearly not doing what it was supposed to do, as Jack shook it and then threw it to the other stuff piling up in her lap.

He returned to the cabinets, clearly deep in thought about what she had just said.

"You've been with him longer, what do you know about his race?"

"Well, he said he was a Time Lord."

Jack smiled. "Thought as much. This ship, couldn't be any other race. But they'rea myth."

"He said he was the last of his kind." she added quietly and looked down onto her hands, trying to figure out what to say next. Jack threw some more useless stuff at her but stayed quiet, too. She cleared her throat.

"So you know what's wrong?"

"No idea. But my brainscan didn't look healthy, even if he is of a race only known as legend... and my headache clearly states that it's not healthy for us."

He seemed to have found what he was looking for, inspecting an ampoule containing a yellowish liquid. He picked the silver pen back up.

"As it is, I definetly won't walk around without a gun any longer."

He pushed the ampoule into the pen-thing that suddenly looked scarily like a gun to her. No flirting, no grinning. He was dead serious. When he saw her shocked look he added

"Filled it with anaesthetics. If he gets funny again, I'll put him to sleep until we figuresomething out."

"Won't help though."

They both jumped as they spotted the Time Lord leaning in the doorframe. He had suceeded in sneaking up on them again, and now entered theroom, ignoring that Jack stepped protectively in front of Rose.

"I would be too fast for you to target me with that thing. And this..." he pointed at the ampoule "...won't stop me. Human stuff. Different metabolism."

"So what do we do?" She tried hard not to sound scared, but the cold stone in her stomach didn't let her.

He didn't answer, clearly evading the long overdue explanation they needed to hear. Instead he took a look at her bruises.

"How's your neck?"

When his glance swept over the dark marks it felt as if his hands were strangling her again. She quickly brushed it away by rubbing her throat, not meeting his eyes.

"Hurting."

She didn't shy away from him when he neared her this time, switching some settings of his sonic screwdriver. His hand held her cheek away so he could take a better aim at the bruises. It was cold, like his voice when he spoke. Jack still eyed him, pen-thing ready, but didn't step in.

"I was in the console room talking to you. Then I looked up again and you weren't there."

Jack observed his every move as she felt the sonic screwdriver dance over her hurt skin. The Time Agent shook his head.

"Not exactly. You yelled at us to get away while you were trying to find out what has gone wrong with your landing. So I thought it was time to get that fixed."

He gestured at Rose's neck. The Doctor's blue eyes were so close to her face, yet they kept looking away from hers.

"So, why are we on the moon instead of London?"

His hand wasn't holding her cheek that firm and so it didn't keep her face from turning towards him in surprise.

"Can't you remember? Something went wrong, a fuse blew or something."

Ever so softly the Doctor pushed a strand of hair away from her shoulder to get a better look at her wounds. He was still not looking at either of them.

Rose noticed sadly that he took his hand away from her cheek before she noticed that the pain at her throat had left, too.

She smiled at him when he stroked over her skin, checking his work. Obviously the marks were gone. But he didn't grin as he usually would, only sighed and turned to face Jack instead.

"Want to scan me with that thing of yours again?"

Jack's eyes widened when he compared his previous data with the scan he took now.

"That black thing grew! About 25 bigger than the last time."

The Doctor nodded, clearly expecting that outcome. He slumped down in a metal chair, running his hand over the back of his head.

"And every time it does that it shuts down some of my brain areas. When I was..."

he hesitated and shot her a quick glance full of regret.

"... attacking you it clearly ate up some of the emotional centers along with the part responsible for time distortion."

He hesitated again, then grinned his usual manic smile.

"You see Captain, I won't go all Matrix on you two ever again, that area had its last cameo back in my room."

Somehow the word 'last' made her shudder.

"How do you know for sure?"

"Usually it's a conscious thing. I tried. Can't do it anymore."

That explained his slurred moves. The stone in her stomach grew. But Jack had other things in mind and didn't stay quiet as she did.

"What will happen when it grows more?"

"I honestly don't know. Suppose finally the parts that keep my body going will die, too."

The now useless medications, bandages and a squealing pineapple-thing clattered onto the ground when Rose jumped down from the table.

"How can we stop it?"

"You can't."

"But- "

His grin fell away, the desperation beneath more visible than ever, it didn't leave when he took her hand into his. His eyes were pleading now.

"That's why I need you off this ship. I've got no time left. You'll be stranded here. Or worse."

"We have to do something! You can't just give up."

"Rose, please."

"How did it start?"

Even before he had finished her question she remembered. No, remembering was not the right word, she _felt_ it. His hand felt so heavy in her own.

"_The Dalek survived, maybe some of your people did too."_

"_No. I'd know."_

_he pointed at his temple "In here. Feels like there's noone left."_

He let go of her hand, looking at her in shock. Her face showed the same. This was not good. He hadn't let go of control, something like that should not have happened. Humans weren't even able to do that sort of thing with one of his race. With any race really. Small ape brains, this was impossible.

"Did you feel that?"

She swallowed and nodded. She seemed to realize at last.

"This... this is because of your people, right? Because you're alone?"

He sighed, surrendered to explaining when he saw that Jack's looked as confused as Rose. There had been times he had loved being a teacher, but not about this. He pointed at his temple again.

"Telepathy is a funny thing."

Gods, how he had hated this connection, always reminding him that they could find him, use him as their lap dog if they wished. And they had. The memory grew painful when he remembered some of the voices in his mind that he had enjoyed so much.

"Imagine being in a room, filled with people, and they're all talking, until you can't quite hear anything in particular. That's what it feels like... that's what it _felt_ like."

He grinned again, but it didn't light up Rose's face as it should.

"It was quite annoying... Now that room is empty. Much better." His smile faded, it cost too much strength.

She grasped his hand even stronger than before and for a moment he wondered how such a fragile thing could give him so much support.

Then he tasted the familiar flavour of blood in his mouth again. He felt how she touched his face, but her words were lost to him.

A roaring hurtled through his brain, shutting out everything else. He thought he heard an alarm somewhere in the storm coming and saw Jack look at his wrist.

So he knew what it was, it was happening again.

One emotional wave was one thing, two were fine, but human brains were not made for this kind of energy. He had to get them off this ship.

The pain, the pain was coming back.

He wanted to get up, but his legs didn't obey, he could barely stop his downfall with his arms, panting, facing the floor.

A small red sphere of blood made its way towards the floor, taking a millennium to fall. Where was that coming from? Was he hurt? He had to get them home. Now.

He felt her touch his face again, cool against his burning skin, forcing him to look into her frightened face. Time was pulling at him, crashing down, stretching him into all directions.

_Losing time._

He didn't think that they would understand, didn't know if he had uttered the words or merely thought them.

Memories of a thousand different places screamed at him, paths through the entangled dimensions of time gaped their dark mouths at him, and he was caught in the middle, still hearing his blood hit the ground.

Faces of friends long gone, places that didn't exist or would never exist danced through his memory, even his vision, his body feeling the force of 8 lifetimes.

And there it was, his nightmare reaching him once again.

_The greater the event, the greater the attraction._ The gravity pulling him in.

So quantum physics applied to brains as well as time. If he could have moved he would have laughed. But time was not letting him. The past kept him nailed to the spot, causality freezing him, the gravitation of the Time War pulling him into a direction he didn't want to go. He was back again.

_Honey, I'm home. Death, the destroyer of worlds is home._

Oppenheimer talking somewhere in the past, while shooting stars hurried towards the sickly brown surface of the planet in front ofa deep red sky. Burning, burning forever.

_And they thought time was theirs here. _

Gallifrey. Rassilon once said that everything ended the way it began.

_Did he know? Did the bastard know?_

And every shooting star a burning ship. Dalek, Time Lord, didn't matter in the end.

Somewhere in the future he heard someone scream at him. Was it Susan? Little Susan screaming her last goodbye? No, her voice was long lost in the screams of an entire race.

_Where was I? I see the past with one eye and the future with the other. I am a Time Lord, and time is meaningless to me. The past I can change, the future I can influence, the present doesn't exist for my kind anymore._

Finding the present was hard, but suddenly he felt someone grip his face. He felt a palm hit his nose.

_That hurt_.

Somewhere someone was slapping him. Like mother, like daughter. A quiet voice pleading him to come back.

He turned away, pulled himself out of entangled universes, looking up from the puddle of blood that still reflected a sickly red sun, to see Rose.

Rose, trying to keep him awake, keep him sane. His anchor. The proof that he was still there. She never knew how much she saved him on that night in London. Rose in a halo of golden light.

He clung to the present like a drowning sailor in a sea of time, but his strength faded.

Before he was lost in time again he saw that blood was dripping from her nose, too.

And that scared him even more than the memories that claimed him now.


	5. Sleep

_Okay, next part. sigh I know this took a while, sorry. I just want it to end, seriously, it refuses to be written! Thanks to glinda for betaing, hope you all enjoy_

* * *

The room changed. 

She didn't notice at first, but there was something, very gently tugging at her mind. Her vision blurred, the feeling of a cold breeze was sending shivers down her spine, tiring her, making her dizzy.

She blinked away tears that had formed without her noticing, seeing some of them hitting the steel grating she was facing.

She looked around in surprise, realizing she was alone in the med bay. She stood up, out of the kneeling position on the floor. The Doctor was gone, as was Jack.

Something else had changed, although she couldn't grasp what. The air was hot again, as in her dream. Even the taste of electricity in her mouth was back. Did she fall asleep again? If she was dreaming it was a very vivid dream. And it would be the fist dream she considered that she was actually dreaming in.

She looked around, watching strange patterns of light dance across the floor again. They looked familiar somehow, almost like the post-it notes the Doctor kept sticking everywhere.

She shrugged and pinched herself. Just in case.

That hurt, but it clearly didn't change anything. This was strange. Would the two men leave her on her own? The hotness and the faint golden aura surrounding everything, perhaps something was wrong with the ship. She decided to head for the console room, with the slight hope of finding her answers there.

She turned around, but the door was gone. Not exactly gone, but replaced by a mirror, showing herself now, considering the former doorway with a confused look. The tiny voice grew louder, telling her something was very wrong. Fear wormed its way back into her veins, leaving a cold feeling in her stomach.

Her reflection looked back at her, smiling.

Was she smiling? Certainly not.

She frowned, but the girl in the mirror kept smiling. She raised her hand to touch the cool surface of the glass, but her reflection didn't imitate her movement. It was still smiling, standing still.

"That's not me in the mirror, is it?"

It was more of a statement than a question, although she couldn't totally hide the fear in her voice.

_No._

The voice seemed to speed through her mind, echo in the silence around here, distorted but still understandable. Almost feeling golden.It was hers, but she wasn't the one talking. She knew who this was, a feeling, almost an instinct had whispered it to her.

The Doctor had always told her that his ship was sentient in a way, but she guessed that even he had never seen anything like an avatar of the TARDIS. Looking like her. She wondered what that was supposed to mean.

_Smart. _

"What do you want?"

The thought that she must look ridiculous talking to a mirror crossed her mind.

The smile of her reflection faded when it reached out towards her, came stepping smoothly through the glass. This ship had a strange way to communicate, she still wasn't sure if this was a dream or not. Feelings hurtled through her mind, alien, old, clearly not hers. She understood the most important one though: Concern.

_Can't stay long. Help him. My Doctor._

"We're trying!"

_Lost, must find him._

"I don't understand."

_Can't lose him. _

That was her own feeling of fear pulsing through her mind now, mixed with the alieness of the ship. She agreed. Her reflection smiled again.

_Not much time left. Find him. _

"How!"

Her copy reached out, her movements blurry, either too fast or too slow for her to see, touching her temple. The feeling of warmth spread through her mind.

_In there. I'll help. No time left now. Sleep._

Her reflection waved and dissolved into golden light. The sudden brightness made her blink, then looking up again. The entire room seemed to shift, she felt like falling before she realized that she was lying on her back, staring into was a lamp on the ceiling.

Slowly the world began to swim back into focus. There was a shadow hovering above her.

"Come on Rose, wake up."

Jack's voice drifted into the brightness, the feeling of his hand softly caressing her face bringing her back to awareness.

She raised a hand, wiping away blood that dripped down into his eye. He winced when she moved higher and came to touch a nasty looking cut, just above his brow.

"Are you hurt?" She shook her head, slowly, still feeling dizzy. "You?"

He grinned "I think I hit something when I passed out. Typical." and helped her sit up.

She took a look at the med bay, suddenly as real as before again. The heat was gone, the door was back, but her head was still spinning. She rubbed her eyes to chase the feeling away.

"What happened?"

The Captain offered her an arm, pulling her onto her legs. She swayed, but her knees didn't give way.

"Another fit. Pulled us in with him."

He gestured towards the table on which she had sat on so carelessly before. The Doctor was lying on it, once more unmoving. She hurried over, her knees still weak and took his hand into hers, silently pleading for a response. But his eyes stayed closed. She felt tears threatening to leave her eyes and bit her lip to stop them. They didn't have time for that. Jack came to stand behind her, pulling her into an embrace.

"I did another few scans. I don't think he'll ever wake up again."

His words didn't even register.

He had waited for her sobbing, at least a flinch from his ugly truth, but instead she stayed still in his arms. Perfectly still, almost like the alien in front of them. He stayed silent, being left with his own thoughts. Still he almost missed her mumbling

"The TARDIS spoke to me." He needed a moment to let the words sink in.

When they finally had, he turned her around in his arms. "What?"

_Smooth Jack, really smooth._

"The ship. While I was unconscious. I think she wants me to help him."

She didn't even seem to see his raised eyebrow. "Rose, this is a ship, not a person."

"The Doctor uses to say she's sentient... gets inside our heads and stuff."

"Ok, lets consider for a moment that you didn't just have a bad dream." He let go of her, to pace around the med bay. He could always think better if not distracted by holding a gorgeous female.

"How is she supposed to help?" Her shoulders slumped, defeated.

"I don't know."

She bent down, picking up the useless med bay acessoires which still littered the floor. He sighed, trying to think of something to do next.

"You lost this." she was holding out thelittle injector towards him.

He sighed. "Don't think I'll need it anymore."

She took another look at it, tears now clearly visible hurrying down her face.

"Oh, Rose." he hugged her again, but still she wasn't nearly losing it as much as he thought she should. Seemed like she was more of a fighter than he had admitted.

"If only I had understood the TARDIS better..."

He gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, trying to calm her. She was really considering this was her fault? Sweet girl. Still, they needed to get out of here. And he needed her functioning to do this. "Rose, please. It was just a dream. Now we have t-"

Big brown eyes were looking at him in surprise. "But that's it! Sleeping! She said 'sleep'!" she let go of him, wiping away the tears with the back of her hand, eyes back on the silvery object she was still gripping.

She took another step back, nervous hands fumbling on the only button, digging the end into the skin of her arm.

It was done before he could even reach her, before he could even shout her name. All he was left to do was to catch her body as she fainted.

Stupid girl. There was enough sleeping agent in there to take out a baby Drashigg.

He cradled her form, quickly scanning her with his wristcomp, letting out a relieved sigh when he saw that it hadn't affected her as badly as he first thought.

He pushed a strand of hair out of her face "Stupid girl.", carrying her over to the examining table.

_Smooth Jack, very smooth. Two down. Seems like you're on your own again._


End file.
